yani's miss to...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

in the name of Allah, the most Gracious and the most merciful of all.

Assalamulaikum wbt...

Today's is September the 20th of 2016. 

The Birthday of my beloved sister, the mama of cute lil Husna. 

May Allah bless you dear sister (Salinah Binti Bakar), here and hereafter. 

May all your wishes and dreams come true and 

may Allah shower you with HIS ultimate Loves and Mercy. 

I wish you absolutely nothing but the best. 

Dear adik, no one's perfect, and by that I actually telling you 

how much flaws that I have. 

But thank you for your sincerity for accepting me no matter how I am. 

Thank you for always being with me, 

stay with me no matter how bad my mouth is. 

no matter how moody i can suddenly get. 

no matter how stinky my attitude is. 

It is true that lately we hardly can meet up, 

but we both know that 

we never forgetting each other 

in heart, in doa. 

I love you abadan abada, 

May Allah gathers us in HIS Raudhatul Jannah.

insyaAllah.

I actually not meeting my adik today, on her birthday. not even call or whatsapp. but I hope she will "accidently" read this entry. This is because I was already wish her "Happy Birthday" yesterday (insert the whatsapp emoticon with sweat on the forehead. times 1000!) I thought her birthday was yesterday (Laughing + Crying), I confidentally wish her Happy Birthday and how good she was, she thought that I want to be the first to wish her and that moment I realized how stupid I am and how weak my memory is. I remain silent and decided to write this, as my confession. as my special happy birthday wishes for her and her family. ngeeee

*She was wishing me "happy birthday" on the next day of my birthday, and telling that she wanted to be the last one to wish - which I dont believe. I think she forgot mine. (synical smile emoticon. the one with other part of lip is higher) 

******************************************************************

I believe that we only feel the fear. of anything. of everything. when we dont UNDERSTAND it. 

right?

I believe that we only can be successful/win. if we are PREPARE. and. READY. 

right?

******************************************************************

Random talk.

have you ever heard story of the Safiey Ilias or Sofia Ilias? 

I dont really follow him so I dont really know.

But what I know is he did something "big" that impress and inspire me.

The gist of my Random Talk here is not to talk about the journey of his life.

The before. The After. or not even The Present.

I just wanted to say, no matter what people talk. what people see.

Whats important is everything that is between you and God.

yes. we must Habluminallah. Habluminannas.

Taking good care of the relationship between us and the God.

Taking good care of the relationship between us and the others.

But to God is first.

if the relationship. the connection. to other humans is risking

the relationship to God. its better to walk alone on this earth.

Bumi Tuhan kan Luas. 

I assure you that there  are several more and more parts of this universe which

contain the people with good heart, sincerity and willingness to accept you for who you are.

I assure you that the people who love you more than the people who hate you.

The people who pray for you more than the people who condemn you.

Trust me. I dont talk cheap.

As for us, the people around. we should support each other. right?

Why we have to talk shit about people who already struggling to turn to HIM?

are we been guaranteed to enter Jannah? are we sure we are better?

(istighfar.times infinity)

Because. at the end.

you still you.

Because. at the end.

whats left is yourself. and Allah.

************************************************************

Dear kak A.

I read yours.

Thank you for your kindness.

Thank you for your thought.

I love you too. and I miss our old times.

Happy wedding day. Barakallah both of you.

May it Lasts here and hereafter.

Semoga dikurniakan cahaya mata soleh solehah

penyejuk jiwa di dunia dan akhirat.

and happy birthday in advance!

***********************************************************

wassalam,

yani's miss to...write!

Nothing.

So long.
I am searching. 
Yet I do not know what is that I am searching for.

I felt lost. But there is nothing lost.

Is this emptiness?
Or it just a vacant.
But as far as I concerned
It never being filled.

From the beginning.
It just it.
That's it.
That's all.

drama dalam Blood Bank

Assalamualaikum wbt…

Happy Chinese new year! (Read: happy holidayeaa)

Sudah hampir 3 minggu menjalani latihan industri, belajar untuk adapt dalam suasana kerja yang sebenar. Beza, sangat berbeza dengan environment masa di sekolah, matrikulasi dan universiti. Betul rasa seolah-olah “terperah” tenaga. Tenaga kerja dan fikir.

Selama sebelum ini, saya sudah sangat terbiasa dengan environment “belajar” inda kisah lah di sekolah, matriks atau pun university. Latihan industri ni pun actually masih dalam fasa “belajar” bezanya adalah belajar di tempat “kerja”. Bezanya tenaga pengajar bukan cikgu atau pun lecturer. Bezanya bukan di bilik darjah atau dewan kuliah. Bezanya sangat berbeza. Dan perbezaan ini sebenarnya yang mematangkan manusia dan perbezaan ini yang sebenarnya membuatkan manusia itu jadi berbeza. -Berbeza dari yang sebelumnya.

Selalu saya ingatkan diri dengan kata-kata “kalau kau rasa kau susah, ada lagi orang yang lebih susah” ini supaya saya terus dapat bersabar dalam masa yang sama tetap bersyukur atas ujian yang sebenarnya juga suatu anugerah. Saya rasa terhantuk bilamana saya sedari yang selama ini, apa yang saya keep reminding my self is not touching me enough, is not yet touching the deepest of me –“kalau kau rasa kau susah, ada lagi orang yang lebih susah”

Semasa dalam latihan industri ni, untuk tempoh ini saya diletakkan di dalam Blood Bank unit. Ini lah masanya saya melihat “kalau kau rasa kau susah, ada lagi orang yang lebih susah”. Ini membuat saya tertelan air liur sendiri, dan menyedari hakikat hidup yang sebenarnya walaupun saya yakin ada lebih banyak benda lagi yang belum saya ketahui, yang boleh saya pelajari-yang perlu saya pelajari. Yang sepatutnya terus menghantukkan kepala ini dan memaksa kaki ini untuk berpijak pada reality jangan terus terawang lagi, bagai layang yang putus tali.

Ada satu cerita, cerita orang terlantar di ward tingkat 6, menghadapi masalah buah pinggang yang 3 kali seminggu perlu menjalani dialysis yang rupanya terdapat komplikasi dalaman, jangkitan kuman, bleeding dan akhirnya menyebabkan lots of blood loss. Dan cerita ini menemukan saya dengan sebuah keluarga- si isteri yang harus mendermakan darah untuk suaminya dan anak-anak yang cuba mendermakan darah untuk ayahnya. Si ayah dengan kumpulan darah O, isteri dengan kumpulan darah A yang sangat takut dengan jarum. Jarum bius yang halus apalagi jarum pendermaan yang besar gedabak. Si anak dengan kumpulan darah O, yang lelaki tanpa sebarang masalah malangnya yang perempuan tidak mencukupi syarat yang membolehkan dia turut sama menderma. Bermuram durja lah si gadis kerana hanya dia yang tidak dapat membantu padahal darah ibu dan abangnya sudah tentu tidak mencukupi.

Ada lagi satu cerita, cerita si pakcik pegawai penjara yang selama 3 hari saya duduk di kaunter section pendermaan darah, memastikan kumpulan darah si penderma juga kandungan Hb dalam darah dan pakcik ini satu-satunya, yang satu-satunya penderma yang bila saya campurkan darahnya dengan antisera A dan B masing-masing menyebabkan agglutination pada kedua-duanya. Pakcik ini yang sanggup datang 2 kali kerana yang pertama kalinya lantaran BP terlalu tinggi, Doktor membenarkan tidak prosesnya menderma. Datang pada hari seterusnya dengan kata-kata yang hampir membuatkan saya berdrama air mata 

“harap-harap lah kali ni boleh menderma, bukan apa mau menolong bah” 

sebab bukan apa, pakcik ini satu-satunya yang saya jumpa berkumpulan darah AB dan satu-satunya yang saya jumpa mencetus rasa terharu dalam diri.

Ini lagi satu cerita, cerita yang tidak saya sangka yang menjadikan saya kagum dengan dia, betapa dia datang dengan regularnya- datang untuk menderma. Dia berusaha tanpa berkira soal masa, soal dimana. Yang penting dia turun menderma. Dan ini benar-benar saya tidak sangka rupanya dia, begini orangnya. Mulia hati, pemurah membantu. (read dia as kaum ini)

Ini pula random cerita, cerita yang anaknya rendah Hb dalam darah tetapi berusaha memohon budi bicara supaya tetap dibenarkan untuk menderma, demi ayah tercinta. Cerita adik yang tidak dibenarkan menderma untuk operasi kakaknya lusa lantaran dia ber hepatitis B! Cerita orang yang tinggal di sebalik gunung sana yang memerlukan darah segera, dan eya ada yang datang untuk menderma pastinya.

Benarlah, kalau kau rasa kau susah, ada lagi orang yang lebih susah. Jalan hidup orang berbeza-beza, dengan tahap tabah dan sabar juga berbeza walau kau lihat ujiannya hampir sama. Benarlah ilmu Tuhan itu maha luas, benarlah Tuhan itu maha bijaksana. Kalaupun 7 lautan di guna sebagai tinta untuk menulis ilmu Tuhan yang maha luas ini, bahkan ditambah lagi dengan 7 lautan nescaya tidak akan mencukupi untuk menulis ilmu NYA. Betapa luasnya qalam Ilahi.

Kerana itu lah saya percaya, jalan hidup seseorang itu walau kau lihat dia seolah-olah mencapai benda yang sama, percayalah jalannya untuk sampai kesana berbeza. Atau kalau kau lihat mereka seolah-olah melewati jalan yang sama pada akhirnya destinasi mereka berbeza. Tetap berbeza. Kenapa? Kerana Allah Maha Bijaksana dengan ilmu pengetahuan yang seluas-luasnya. Kerana itu, jangan kau persoalkan apa yang telah dia dapati sebagai anugerah dari Ilahi kerana kau tidak pernah ketahui apa yang telah dia lalui sebelum ini. Jangan juga kau tanyakan kenapa di duga seberat ini kerana mungkin telah kau lupakan kemaksiatan mu pada Tuhan sebelum ini. 

Bersabarlah, Bersyukurlah. Apa adanya.

p/s …

# happy Chinese New Year to my Farantey Wong @ Wong Sei Pui and her beloved family. Miss you, hope to see you while I am still here.

# Tempat saya menjalani praktikal ni, tika dan saat ini sesungguhnya mengalami masalah kekurangan darah kumpulan O dan A. Bekalan untuk kumpulan darah ini bahkan diistilahkan sebagai “kritikal”. Oleh itu di kesempatan ini saya menyeru sesiapa yang berkelapangan dan sihat tubuh badan, marilah sama-sama datang menderma. Banyak kelebihannnya. Percayalah!

# Dalam kesibukan, terima kasih sahabat tercinta yang selalu ada untuk saya. Menjadikan diri saya sebagai saya. yang menerima saya apa adanya. yang mendengar saya dengan setianya. yang sudi masih bergaduh dengan saya. yang sudi masih saya baring pada ribanya. yang sudi masih benarkan saya sandar pada bahunya. yang sudi dengar lalutan saya yang pastinya tiada-tiada. 

“I make mistakes, I know Im not perfect. That’s why Im thankful for the true friends who stick by me after knowing how I am.” 

I found a small note in the pocket of her Lab Coat that I borrowed, and this made me touched painfully knowing that I am the one who should give her this words. This is from me to you.

“I make mistakes, I know Im not perfect. That’s why Im thankful for the true friends who stick by me after knowing how I am.”

# Precious. everything is precious.

# Blood Bank is the third unit I went and still I am after Pre-analytical and demographic unit and then the hematology unit. This unit made me like an actress in a drama, because the scenes that happened here never fail to wake the feelings or the spirit inside of me.

 # ndak is tidak.

until next time. xoxo

Last Rant for 2015

Assalamualaikum wbt

another year to be left, today's the last day of 2015 and thank God alhamdulillah that I have this very free time to update my long-time-not update blog. Actually I am in the middle of my final exam for this semester, and I just finish my second paper few hours ago. and yeah another 4 to go! 

I don't know why, but it seems like people busy nowadays. My must-visit-blog is also being not updated like what, several months. But the same goes to me, I bet everyone is busy. If happen that one particular person read this, update your blog please. Its been a long time, without you my friend and (continue as you wish, but I mean to sing "see you again")

There is nothing much to talk about, but I did miss my old writings that I wiped out clean from this so-called diary. I try to start a new, a better one and still I am struggling for that. I've been so busy before since I am in my final year now, busy doing my proposal, assignments and so and so. I even forgot that I have blog, but still I am visiting my life-time favourite blog- never forget those!

The latest novel of Ramlee Awang Murshid is already in market now, and I was waiting for that like that's the only reason I am alive, but when it did come out I didn't even have chance to get it #sigh...

however, to get the novel before I am going back to my hometown is one of my must-to-do thing, not only because it is cheaper here but also so that I have something that I really love to do, that excites me, that make me feel alive again, that cheer me up from my typical-routine-based-life. and of course before I have to start my intern! 

I miss my parents, my only sister, my nieces and nephews, my brothers (as well) and of course my beloved best-friends-soul-mates. There were many memories been drew, amazingly it colours my life not only the in the past moments, still it is. even at this very moments. Thank you Allah, for everything, for those. Alhamdulillah.

May Allah bless us, all of us. aameen.

#congratulations to my little sister who got married a few weeks ago. May it lasts forever till Jannah.

#Congratulations also goes to my beloved best friend who got engaged a few days ago, may Allah ease until the akad happens and lasts abadan-abada.

#There is someone I know, that I can not recall why I feel difficult to remember and feel better to just let it slides. I am sorry for being me. I am sorry. Truly sorry. Your kindness is unbearable to me, I just cannot and don't know how to make it up. let's just forgive and forget.

Start a new page.

"Kesombongan itu ialah apabila engkau tahu ia benar tetapi masih, engkau menjauhinya"

"You don't have to sacrifice your own dignity for your own destiny.

be strong. grow up. your are far worthy than what you think you are.

be strong, Allah is indeed near and responsive"

"and the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion; but the home of the Hereafter is best for those who fear Allah, so will you not reason?" [6:32]

Stay firm on your feet. have faith to fight, until the both of your feet stand on the Heaven's door.

angel 1: 

"no matter how hard you think your life is, at least you have place to return"

"tak kisah lah sesusah apa kau rasa tentang hidup mu, sekurang-kurangnya kau ada tempat untuk kembali."

There is saying that the hardest thing to do actually is "to do nothing". Why? Because you will never know when it will end.

"see you again"

with love; 2015

random 2

Assalamualaikum wbt

Today's 19th ramadhan. Ramadhan kareem everyone!
I didn't have any chance to update this blog since I am busy here and there and preparation for my final exam and today I am gonna sit for my last paper for this semester and the day after, I am going to fly. Fly high to reach where my heart belongs... insyaAllah.

Sekian. 

Yes, and up to this moment. Still I am full with clouds, cloudy minded of me.
"Aku keliru. Aku keliru. Selalu begitu"
-aku keliru song

Random 1

Assalamualaikum wbt

This one is random. Random thought of mine. While facing the reality of my life. Once, I thought this life isn't real. And I was wrong. Life's real, indeed.

1) away from parents, family. For a "quest" of Menimba Ilmu. Sometimes, out of nothing I feel empty. As if I've already lost the reason "why" I am here. Why am I here? The most dangerous part of life is when you lost your vision of life. Everything looks the same for everyday, no improvement, no changing, living life like a zombie. I am telling you dear readers and dear my self, when you feel this way, your heart itself also feels "There is something Wrong" and you should not stay in those conditions. You should do something. And as for me, I am stil searching for that something that I should do. Why? Because up to this moment I still couldn't figure it out.

"dan kau tanya dalam diam

dengan mata kau biar pejam

bagaimana mampu wujud sunyi

di riuh engkau berdiri"

...

Kau tahu,

Namun tak kau akukan

-Fynn Jamal : Tahu

Losing your self is another big problem. Losing your vision in life is curable, but Losing yourself. it is lethal. Trust me. When you know yourself then you will know your creator. When you know your Creator, then you will know your self. 

2) - Fight.Faith

Keimanan. Perjuangan. - Perjuangan. Keimanan

Perjuangan utk hidup dalam keimanan pada Tuhan.

"Bukan mudah utk celik mata, di setiap pagi indah bila sang mentari yg cukup patuh pada titah Tuhannya memberi sinar pada sebahagian langit dan bumi, dan memujuk hati... ini adalah suatu hari lain yang perlu dihadapi dgn keimanan pada Ilahi. Bukan mudah utk memujuk hati bahawa setiap yang terjadi sememangnya dari Ilahi. yg mengizinkan setiap perkara utk terjadi sebagaimana ia terjadi, dari sebesar-besar gerakan bintang di langit ke sekerdil-kerdil kuman yg menjangkiti mu."

To be cont'd

old entry reuploaded

Assalamualaikum wbt.

its been so long that I drown in my own dream, my own pain, my own world and it pushed me down, down to the crust of the earth, destroying me, torturing me until I come to one point of my life that make me realise that Allah created this life as a test. Life's a test. A test. No matter what situations that we face, either it is easy or hard, still it is A test. No matter what happen, at the end we still will return to Allah, The creator of all, The Owner of all. I lost, and somehow when I wander in my old document, my old file, I found this entry, an old entry that I removed from this blog. And now I want to re upload it. May it brings something to us.

People L.G n C

Assalamualaikum Wbt ^^

its something like I hv a feeling of "ndak sabar"
hm~~~ (nodded head)
umpama kita berjalan di suatu tempat yg kita nda tau arah tujunya kemana, tanpa peta, tanpa kompas.
setelah puas berjalan, akhirnya kita tau kita bukan pada arah yg betul.
Walaupun dah banyak usaha dicurah, masa diluang, tenaga dikerah utk perjalanan tu
tapi, bila kita tau itu salah, tetap jugak salah. Biarpun sedih, kesal, dan ttp mahu berada di situ,
kita x boleh. tak boleh utk tetap di situ. Harus kembali utk memulakan semula perjalanan
dgn arah yg betul. The exact term to be used: To make Correction.

dan the feeling of ndak sabar tu, actually "ndak sabar mau buat correction"  =)
Turn back utk membetulkan semua kesilapan, kesalahan, dan kedangkalan -diri ini.
org bilang, klu ksalahan tu kali pertama dilakukan, maka itu adalah kesilapan.
tapi klu kasalahan yg sma berlaku kali kedua, maka itu bukan lagi dipanggil
kesilapan melainkan 1 pilihan, pilihan utk terus berbuat silap.
dan aku- bukan dikira naif utk membetulkan kesilapan itu, melainkan sudah cukup sedar
akan kesalahan diri memilih utk terus melakukan kesilapan lantas larut dalam
kedangkalan... (tambahan: ...dan kebodohan)

thats why this entry entitled as People L. G n C.
People Learn, Grow and Change
We learn from this mistakes, we grow from it then eventually we change to be the better one.

Learn is a journey, we go through it, it teaches us everything. Pain to be stronger, tears to be more patient, people to appreciate, tears to feel the existing of our heart, and the most important
we learn that we are "Hamba" yang berTuhan.
yang di atur takdirnya, yang lemah fitrahnya, yang sudah tentu ada tempat pulangnya yg abadi.
Bahawa kita ada DIA, yg slalu mencintai dan menyayangi setiap hambaNYA.
Walau kadang kita terlupa akan DIA,
DIA sekali-kali tidak lupa pada hambaNYA.
Jika kita melangkah ke arahNYA sejengkal,
DIA berlari ke arah kita sehasta.
sayangnya Allah pada hambanNYA, walau kita bergelumang dgn dosa maksiat,
sombong dan riak, masih DIA benarkan kita berpijak pada planetNYA, bernafas dgn udaraNYA,
mkn drpd rezekiNYA, dan bernyawa dgn izinNYA.
Grow and be matured. The maturity doesnt measured by age (Im 19!), but the way how we think
and act, also react with the surroundings and environment. Maturity is not when we start to talk about big things, but its when we begin to understand about the small things.
Its when we start to memuhasabah diri sendiri lebih daripada membuat penilaian berterusan (PB) terhadap diri org lain lantas memberi markah.
Grow up everyone!
and the last action to be taken is Change. there is no use if we keep on thinking and realizing our mistake but never change. Lets give a chance to change. Do not stay, move, please move! even if its slow. Do not wait if we know it'll never come back. Do not hope if we know it'll remain like that.
Never expect that the action potential will be reversed and stimulated twice as it has its Refractory Period, it just had been created to be like that. and it'll be like that. Forever.
Its a proverb, or in simple word, DONT BE STUPIDo to wait,hope and expect something that will never be. Be realistic and live tis life, Carpe Diem! Change- to be better.

wassalamualaikum.. "

How old is this entry? about more than 2 years old. Because, long time ago on 17th March 2013, I published it and today it is 29th April 2015. I wrote this entry a month less of my sister's wedding, 2 years ago and today, it is about 3 days to go to my brother's wedding ceremony and yeah I am at Sabah! in my room that I kemas dulu, and with my brother the one that getting married this weekend, insyaAllah. How childish my writing 2 years ago, and unfortunately still I am. the old one. huhu

so this is the real sekian for this entry. Wasalamualaikum.